An Eternal Optimist

{Prompt: What was the hardest part of your childhood?}

The hardest part of my childhood, and my life, was undoubtedly the death of my father (which I write about in The End of the Innocence.)

It was followed by a period of shock, mourning, anger, and shame that lasted for one or two years. I don’t remember those years much, except for a few moments when my deeper emotions were brought to the surface by song.

I still relive those moments, for example, whenever I hear If you leave me now, by Chicago:

If you leave me now

you take away the biggest part of me

Ooh-ooh-ooh, no, baby, please don’t go

And if you leave me now

You’ll take away the very heart of me

Ooh-ooh-ooh, no, baby, please don’t go

Ooh-ooh-ooh… I just want you to stay….

Or Beth, by Kiss:

You say you feel so empty;

That our house just ain’t a home;

That I’m always somewhere else;

And you’re always there alone…

Although they were released in 1976, those two songs were still getting FM radio play in 1977, when my father died. The melancholy backing tracks, and the sentiment of the lyrics, made me feel, more fully, the pain of the separation that I was going through.

Chicago, on stage.

But there were joyful moments too, and I write about them a little in Waiting for my New Life to Begin.

There was no social media but there was lots of TV to enjoy, which I write about in Somewhere in the Ether.

I enjoyed my days at school (junior high school) where I played in the orchestra and band. I played soccer with a junior varsity team, and I played ultimate frisbee during recess. I had childhood friends to hang out with in the cafeteria and after school.

There were great movies to watch, and small theaters nearby. We lined up for Star Wars, when it first came out in Dolby Stereo. From the moment the massive Star Destroyer entered the screen (after the opening narrative crawl), we were blown away. So, we lined up to see it again and again.

Opening scene from Star Wars.

And we lined up again for Grease, with John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, a musical with just enough edginess for a new generation. I even bought the soundtrack vinyl LP and many other records. I started buying 45s… a collection that, including the “Golden Oldies”, spans several decades.

But there was also new technology. There were arcade games and there was cable TV. There were home computers, Sony Walkmans, and boom boxes. We had mopeds and microwaves, for the first time. There was a whole shopping mall culture, before the dawn of the internet.

Of course, not everything was rosy. Out in the real world there were problems just like there are problems today. There was terrorism and war. There were political issues. There were gas shortages and nuclear plant disasters.

As I went to 10th grade, my life was pretty complicated. I was working hard at school, but delivering newspapers in the mornings. I was living like an academic during the day, but working like a blue collar worker at night. I write about this difficult time in These Dreams.

All in all, I consider the time between February 2nd, 1977 (my father’s death) and September 7th, 1980 (my first day at NCSSM), to be the hardest part of my life. There was a tragic death, a complicated period of adjustment, and then the decision to leave home and go to a boarding school.

September 7, 1980 - Opening Day at NCSSM.

No, I never felt like I had to grow up quickly or take care of my family. But I felt like I shouldn’t be a burden on my family either. By 1980, I was performing well academically at home, and I was involved in my community. Nevertheless, I was ready to start over in Durham, where my room and board were paid for — where I would be under the supervision of a dozen members of staff and faculty who had a vested interest in my success. My mother would be able to take care of herself.

I wasn’t completely healed emotionally, but I was coping. I was still immature, but I was growing up. I had been through a difficult period, but I was eager.

And I was optimistic.