Making Bad Decisions (It's Secretly OK)

DISCLAIMER:

Music I'm grooving to right now: "My Girl," The Temptations

I always come back to this song when I'm in need of something to sing. I don't know why. It's not like it's even in my range. But somehow, when I want to sing and my mind is blanking and I haven't heard anything good on the radio recently (or at least anything I know the lyrics too), I sing this. No clue why. Just a quirk of life, I guess.

Anyway, I guess this song is kind of my "I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing-with-my-life-right-now" jam. Because somehow when I sing it, I'm always in this place where not only do I feel like I have no idea how to begin to make any decisions pertaining to my larger life plan, but I am literally without anything to do at the moment as well. Or maybe it's just kind of a mind blank moment. One of those limbo-like times where you're completely zen, and also bored out of your mind.
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I realized today (or perhaps it's an ongoing realization) that nothing in my life is ever going to be perfect. Perhaps I should rephrase. Nothing in my life is ever going to be the way I imagined it.

I have this thing (and I don't know if it's a universal thing, but I'm hypothesizing that at least some people who read this are going to get what I'm talking about) where I place a lot of importance on decision-making. I do this over and over again. I tend to think that somehow, if I get a Very Important Decision right, everything will work out perfectly. My life will, all of a sudden, be fixed. I can finally live in that world I've been imagining, where I don't procrastinate, and where I somehow know exactly what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and where I'm not incredibly awkward around everyone I know.

Let me be clear: this is a world that does not exist.

Periodically, however, I find myself in a place where I believe this delusion. I find myself in a place where I buy into the fact that a Very Good Decision means that the Very Good Consequences of this decision are permanent. Where I buy into the fact that there can be Very Good Cosmic Permanent Consequences to a probably ill-informed decision.

Think of it this way: You're thinking about what college you go to. You think "I'll be there for four years of my life, so it's probably important that I get this right." Ok. Fair enough so far. If you're spending a lot of time there, you at least want it to be at a place you like. It's important. There are some more issues with this way of thinking that we won't get into right now, but let's overlook that for now.

If it was just a matter of liking the college, there wouldn't be so much pressure to get it right. In our world, it's not just a matter of liking the college. We hear our whole lives that the college we go to will determine our job prospects. Our starting salary. Our ability to achieve. We hear it from parents, from counselors, and most of all, from the media. Rankings matter, because the "better" college you go too, the more employable you are. And the stakes become even higher.

And then there are even more considerations. Will you be happy there? How many students does it have? What's the student to teacher ratio? What percentage of student's graduate? All these things are apparently incredibly meaningful factors in the decision-making progress. All of a sudden, this is a make you or break you kind of problem.

Of course, if you get it right, your life will be solved! Hoorah! There won't be any homesickness, you'll get straight A's, you'll make friends right away, there will be no adjustment period, all the problems that you've learned to try and deal with throughout your whole life will just disappear. Poof.

To this I say (and I know what I'm talking about, because I still think like this): "Yeah right." Or in layman's terms: That's bullshit.
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All these decisions we have to make. What college to go to. What to major in. What classes to register for next semester. They sound important. They sound like they might help us...or hurt us. They sound like our path to the future. You want to know the real secret? There's no way to know. There's no way to tell what decision might change the rest of our lives, or what decision might just put us in a bad mood for a day or two. In fact, I'm not even sure that there is such a life-changing decision. What moment could be so important that it alters every moment after it...permanently? What decision could possibly be so important that it will mean more than any other decision we might make?

The truth is, no decision is more important than any other decision. In fact, one could argue that every decision we make is pure chance. It's all based on completely arbitrary criteria, no matter how much we might wish otherwise. It's all very well to say "I wish I could go back in time and tell my past self that they were right about this...or wrong," but no matter how much we might wish it so, there's no way we can know what the right decision or the wrong decision is ahead of schedule.

Think about it. We spend so much time trying to get as much information as possible, so we can make the best decision possible. We spend so much of our lives doubting instead of acting. We spend so much of our lives living in fear, living in the shadow of the decisions we have yet to make. And all because we place so much importance on them.

I think we do this because it's easier. I think it's a way of absolving ourselves of responsibility in our own lives. By placing so much weight on a single decision, we make it impossible for us to ever take charge of our own circumstances. We make it impossible to empower ourselves to change our own lives. If something goes wrong--say, for example, you start having a crisis of faith in your school because you didn't realize how little attention they paid the English department-- you say to yourself, "Well, there's nothing I can do about it now. I made the wrong decision." You think, "I might as well just curl up in despair now and accept what I can't change." Again and again you think "There's nothing I can do."

The truth is, there IS something you can do. There's ALWAYS something you can do. There's always a way back from a bad decision, and there's always a way forward.

I speak to everyone out there like me when I say to you, yeah that sucks. It sucks to know that you have responsibility for your own life. It sucks to think that if nothing is changing, it's because you're not doing anything to change it. It sucks to think that you have to do things for yourself to make anything happen FOR YOU. But that's the way it works. That's the way life works. And it turns out, that's a good thing.

If one decision could make or break us...if one decision could change the rest of our lives...we would have no other choice but to live with the consequences that decision every day, for the rest of our lives. If a Very Good Decision means that the Very Good Consequences are permanent, then the opposite is true too. A Very Bad Decision means that the Very Bad Consequences would be permanent. It means that my decisions would stay with me. Even the bad ones.

And that would really be a shame because right now, I think that no decision I make can ever be well informed. There's simply no way way we can just not make mistakes in our life, no matter how long we think about it.  9 times out of 10, I think that the decisions we do get right are just luck.

I had no idea that going to Raleigh Charter would change my life the way it has. At the time, I had no idea whether or not it was a good decision or a bad decision. I went because my mom thought it was a good thing for me, and I trusted her. In a way, I kind of went because I trusted someone else enough to make the decision for me. Do I regret it? No. Because it turned out to be fantastic. Might I have regretted it? Maybe. But luckily, we don't have to live with all those bad decisions we make forever. We have a choice.

Life is forgiving. Every day, we have a new chance to stand up and do something for ourselves--even if it's as simple as re-making the decision to get out of bed and go to class. To look up something on the internet you're curious about. To read a book. Every day we have the chance to make our lives better.

The people I admire most in this world… They’re the people who practice 3 hours a day because they know that’s what it will take to get what they want. They’re the people who’ve decided they’re going to spend all their free time doing something they love. They’re those super-annoying people you know who are always doing these incredible things, like volunteering for political campaigns, or writing novels, or making their own films. They take charge of their lives—they lace up their boots, roll up their sleeves, and get to work. They don't know how to quit. 

It's not easy, doing this. It's not like you can just make one decision, one day, and be done. You have to keep trying. You have to keep pulling yourself up, every day, pushing yourself to where you want to be. It's not easy.

But it's worth it.

Halloween 2013 (Yeah, yeah, I'm working on a better title)

Part 1: "An American Werewolf in London"

It's a beautiful fall day--just like the ones in North Carolina. I keep imagining being back in Raleigh for Halloween next year, before I remember that I won't. Fall break isn't long enough to be worth the price of the plane ticket home. That won't change between now and next year. I'll still be at school.

Halloween is what makes me realize: attending an out of state college has its downsides. It’s difficult to describe exactly what those downsides are. When I was applying, the thing I heard again and again was, “Think carefully about going out of state. It’s far away from home.” People say that a lot, but no one really goes into any detail about why it’s difficult. Being away from home sounds like the only con to going to an out of state college. Really, being away from home is a lot of little cons all put together.

When you go to an out of state college, you’re uprooting a whole life and starting a new one in a different state. It’s not just that you’re going to a different school—it’s that you have to live somewhere different.

When Jason (who directed me in “The Tempest—” one of those STC shows produced by Burning Coal J) emails me about a new improv class he’s teaching, or tells me about a performance opportunity, I can’t take him up on it. I can’t visit my old high school to see their fall production of “Alice in Wonderland.” I can’t go home over fall break at all.  

I can’t go home to raid my attic for Halloween costume pieces, or borrow from Sam’s wardrobe without having to walk 5 minutes to her dorm. I can’t carve Halloween pumpkins anymore (an activity I did with my mom previously only at great protest), or decorate the house with Halloween decorations, or drink homemade apple cider.

I can’t visit Asheville to be there for my friend, just to see him. I can’t sneak down into my kitchen for a midnight snack (e.g. ice cream). I can’t bake cookies whenever I want, or use the food processor, the garbage disposal or the toaster oven when I feel like it. I have to manage new insurance, figure out how to absentee vote, and twice a year move all my belongings from Ohio to North Carolina and vice versa.

I miss being in Raleigh because I know the city there. I know where the scarecrow making competition is, and which restaurants are the best when I’m craving vegetarian food. I know where the midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show is, and where to get the cheapest tickets for movies, and when the art museum is putting on a special exhibition. I’ve lived in and around Raleigh for the better part of 18 years. Leaving it behind is leaving behind everything I know about my own little corner of the world.

So really, future college students, think hard about moving to another state. Starting a new life may sound awesome on paper, but it’s got its downsides. You have to relearn everything, and that takes time. A couple years, at least. And after you get adjusted, what about when you graduate? Are you just going to pick up and move again, or do you really want to stay wherever you are, get a job?

I never thought I’d miss Raleigh, but here I am, 3 months into freshman year, missing it. And the thing I miss most isn’t my favorite restaurant, isn’t having to make new friends or new connections (I can find those things in time)—it’s being away from home. It’s being away from my family. I like Cleveland, and I know I could love it. But that physical distance between me and my family isn’t something I can overcome with a little willpower. It’s real, and it doesn’t go away. 

Disclaimer: This blog may be disturbing to some readers in that it addresses in the first paragraph material of both a personal and somewhat depressing nature. Be warned. (You know who you are.)

 It’s official: I’m trying to do too many things. There are several ways I know this. 1) I find myself, at times, going slowly insane with the pressure of it all (And extracurriculars should not be pressure. They should be fun.) 2) When you can no longer remember your schedule, it’s probably a sign you’re doing too much. I find myself forgetting important things that I’m supposed to go too. 3) It’s the first semester of freshman year.

Clearly, I was not that prepared to start college. Because like my freshman year of high school, I find myself trying to do everything. My seldom reminders of not to do too much have been too seldom. Too easily ignored. And it’s just now I realize that if I continue down this path, I will end up permanently in therapy.

There are several things I want to address in this blog. Firstly I’d like to start the blog with a list of warnings for future generations of college students. These are all signs that you are trying to do too much. Recognize them. And if you find yourself doing them, maybe it’s time to sit down for an afternoon and re-examine your life.

The first semester of freshman year is a lot like the first season of a young, bright-eyed ingénue living in 19^th Century Victorian England. The 18-year-old beauty is presented to the Queen, and then released out into the world to dance with men and try to attract a marriage proposal. Being young and bright eyed, she actually attracts many marriage proposals. In this scenario, the freshman is the young ingénue, and the massive conglomeration of student organizations on campus is the population of eligible young men. Like a young ingénue, the inexperienced freshman must be cautious and discerning in such a world. There are several rules that must be followed at all times.

1.  Don’t accept the first proposal you get: Every club on campus is vying for your attention and membership.  Don’t be attracted to the first offer you receive. Think it over, and decide if you really want to join this particular club, or if you’re just accepting their proposal out of desperation to be part of a club.
2.  Don’t accept a proposal out of pity: Some clubs are less eligible than others, in that they have a very small population of members. These clubs are the more persistent ones. But be warned: don’t join them just because you feel sorry for them.
3. Follow your heart: After the first student activities fair you attend, you may find yourself driven in so many different directions you think it’s impossible to decide. Some words of advice: consider seriously the clubs you are genuinely interested in. There’s no use in putting off a decision just because you don’t want to admit that you love one club, and that you don’t love another club. Suck it up and reject some of your suitors.....I mean, clubs. Suck it up and reject some clubs. The best way to reject a club? Politely. Don’t draw it out and don’t lead anyone on, and they’ll get over it.
4. Don’t accept too many proposals: Like a marriage, membership of a club requires commitment, devotion, and love. If you find yourself too busy to commit, too unenthusiastic to be devoted to the club, or too stressed to love the club the way it deserves to be loved…I have two words for you. Drop something,

Secondly, I’d like to address my own personal experience with club-joining. To this end, I have decided that the clubs courting my attention must each duel each other in a battle to the death.

No, don’t keep reading, take a moment to picture it.

It would be awesome.

If I could photoshop….

Okay, what I’m actually going to do is create a bracket, NCAA style. Oh, whatever, so I’m organized in the extreme, deal with it. It helps me think. The goal of this exercise is to narrow my activities down to ONE OR TWO CLUBS. So I’m only insane some of the time, as opposed to all of the time. Here goes.

Good grades, a social life, and your sanity--you can only pick two.

I am being drowned in reading. Please, take this seriously you guys. It’s a very real concern. I have a grand total of 170 pages of reading to do by Monday. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY. Do you know how many pages of reading that is? That’s a short novel. That’s a good four to five chapters of a textbook. It’s thirty-four 5-page essays. It’s ridiculous is what it is.

I think they should schedule college differently. Everything should be staggered. There would be a week for extracurriculars. You could go to all the “first” club meetings and work out which ones you’re sticking with. Then there could be a week for auditions season: A Capella clubs, straight plays, musicals, choirs, IMPROVment. And when you hear back from all of them, you can really pin down your non-class schedule.

In the meantime, you’re meeting all kinds of new people, and getting enough sleep. You’re finding your way around classes, working out a kind-of routine, and figuring out where and when events are happening on campus.

If only.

Instead, my first two weeks at Case have been crazier than Spock after reboot-Kirk’s death. And that’s pretty crazy. (I just re-watched “Star Trek: Into Darkness” the other day, so sue me.)

I feel like I can connect to Spock a little more easily now. I feel like I understand him better. It’s like the entire world just snapped loose from it’s moorings, and is spinning so fast that it’s impossible to get a grip on the surface. I feel like I’ll never be able to find my feet.

There are moments where it’s all I can do not to break down in tears. Or just scream. Or want to run away and hide in my bed and never ever come out of my dorm room ever again. There are moments where I feel paralyzed. Where I feel like I can’t do anything right. Where I feel tremendously, completely, and permanently out of control.

And then I write a few paragraphs, and I feel better about things. It’s absurd. It’s bewildering. Somehow, being able to put something in words makes it less scary. Being able to know it completely enough that you can show it to someone else—somehow it makes the world seem brighter. Less full of fear.

And I feel like maybe I can do this after all. Even the 170 pages of reading. 

TRHPS: A Meditation on the Merit of Inside Jokes

 I’m making the prediction official. The Observer (Case Western Reserve University’s newspaper) will eventually take over my life. I’ll start out writing short editorials and art pieces. Then I’ll be news reporting every week, desperately trying to convince myself to reach deadlines. Before you know it, I’ll be staying up all night, every Wenesday putting together the paper for the next morning as a copy editor. And I don’t mean figuratively all night. I mean literally all night. The section chiefs and executive editor stayed up from 9:30 in the morning to 6:30 in the morning putting out the summer edition of the paper.

I can’t freaking wait.

This is what I love about small, elite groups of people—the chance to be involved with something special. Stick with me for the next bit here…I’m going to reference Glee. I don’t know if any gleeks out there remember the pilot episode, but this was the scene that made me fall in love with the series. And I think Rachel says it best when she says this. I couldn’t find the clip (so if you can hunt it down, let me know!) but here’s the dialogue.

WILL SHUESTER: You changed out of your costume.
rACHEL BERRY: I'm tired of being laughed at.
WILL: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. It comes with a price.
RACHEL: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.
WILL: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.
RACHEL: Everybody hates me.
WILL: You think glee club is going to change that?
RACHEL: Being great at something is going to change it. Being part of something special makes you special, right?

Being part of something special makes you special, right?

Right.

There is, to my knowledge, one downside. I can’t be involved in everything. The Student Activities Fair was today, and more and more I’m realizing that there will be things I will have to exclude from my schedule. I can not do everything. And, in fact, the more I try to, the more left out I’ll be. Tonight for example. Me and some 2^nd floorer’s watched Rocky Horror Picture Show in its entirety. It was an unforgettable experience. I was one of those people who was somewhat familiar with it beforehand, which meant 1) I wasn’t scarred for life this time, and 2) I got to sing and dance along to the Time Warp while everyone else in the room looked at us like we were insane. It was awesome.

Yet, while all this was going on, a small group of people on the third floor (where I live) was listening to big band, old school jazz music. And another group of girls who live on my hall were sitting next door to my empty room telling stories and eating popcorn. And I wasn’t there.

Well of course I wasn’t. I don’t have a time turner. I can’t be in two places at once. Yet still, somehow, I feel left out. The more I do, the more I want to do. The more I feel like I should be included in.

I want to be able to be happy with what I have. And if that means narrowing down my club choices to two, so be it. I want to be able to tell some of those inside jokes. Let everyone else have theirs. I got to see Rocky Horror. : )

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Speaking of Rocky Horror, now that I’ve seen the entire thing, absent the Halloween crowd, I think I finally understand what people love about this movie. And I have to say, I’ve fallen in with the crowd. It’s hilarious and charming and sad all at the same time. It’s a movie for the ages, with its simultaneous perpetuation and refutation of gender stereotypes and scornful commentary. It’s a movie for people who are different. You only have to recognize the charisma and confidence with which Dr. Frank n’ Furter sings “Sweet Transvestite” to realize that. Because even with the pitiful character he becomes, Dr. Frank n’ Furter is first and foremost the man who made that stunning entrance in women’s lingerie and 3-inch pumps. He was more comfortable in those heels and garters than I’ve seen any woman be. He was more confident and honest in his sexuality than I’ve seen many other people be. And he was a strange, but real, inspiration.

Because if you could see that charisma….

I’ve heard it before and I think it bears repeating here. Confidence is sexy.

There’s something attractive about it—not just physically, but psychologically as well. We are attracted to people who seem sure of themselves. People who refuse to make apologies, and who ask for no forgiveness. And especially, especially, people who act without the permission of other people. Because those are the people whom we know will never have to ask permission from themselves.

When we doubt ourselves, when we criticize ourselves…when we hate ourselves—we give other people power over us. We give them the power to make us think, feel, or do things that we don’t want to think, feel, or do. We give them the power to influence our decisions and our actions. We give them the power to hurt us.

Dr. Frank n’ Furter would never do that. Regardless of the (sometimes extreme) consequences, he made his own decisions. And he continued to do so, right to the very end. He owned himself, and his mind, and his body, and could do what he liked. He was his own champion.

Sometimes I think we need more of that in our lives. Sometimes I think we’re too hesitant with what we want, thinking of the consequences. Sometimes we act rashly to avoid them. You can say many things about Dr. Frank n’ Furter, but one thing is irrefutable. He never ran away from his choices. He was never afraid to accept what he was.

Sometimes we have to be our own champions.

Sometimes we have to want to fight to win. 

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