Good grades, a social life, and your sanity--you can only pick two.

I am being drowned in reading. Please, take this seriously you guys. It’s a very real concern. I have a grand total of 170 pages of reading to do by Monday. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY. Do you know how many pages of reading that is? That’s a short novel. That’s a good four to five chapters of a textbook. It’s thirty-four 5-page essays. It’s ridiculous is what it is.

I think they should schedule college differently. Everything should be staggered. There would be a week for extracurriculars. You could go to all the “first” club meetings and work out which ones you’re sticking with. Then there could be a week for auditions season: A Capella clubs, straight plays, musicals, choirs, IMPROVment. And when you hear back from all of them, you can really pin down your non-class schedule.

In the meantime, you’re meeting all kinds of new people, and getting enough sleep. You’re finding your way around classes, working out a kind-of routine, and figuring out where and when events are happening on campus.

If only.

Instead, my first two weeks at Case have been crazier than Spock after reboot-Kirk’s death. And that’s pretty crazy. (I just re-watched “Star Trek: Into Darkness” the other day, so sue me.)

I feel like I can connect to Spock a little more easily now. I feel like I understand him better. It’s like the entire world just snapped loose from it’s moorings, and is spinning so fast that it’s impossible to get a grip on the surface. I feel like I’ll never be able to find my feet.

There are moments where it’s all I can do not to break down in tears. Or just scream. Or want to run away and hide in my bed and never ever come out of my dorm room ever again. There are moments where I feel paralyzed. Where I feel like I can’t do anything right. Where I feel tremendously, completely, and permanently out of control.

And then I write a few paragraphs, and I feel better about things. It’s absurd. It’s bewildering. Somehow, being able to put something in words makes it less scary. Being able to know it completely enough that you can show it to someone else—somehow it makes the world seem brighter. Less full of fear.

And I feel like maybe I can do this after all. Even the 170 pages of reading. 

TRHPS: A Meditation on the Merit of Inside Jokes

 I’m making the prediction official. The Observer (Case Western Reserve University’s newspaper) will eventually take over my life. I’ll start out writing short editorials and art pieces. Then I’ll be news reporting every week, desperately trying to convince myself to reach deadlines. Before you know it, I’ll be staying up all night, every Wenesday putting together the paper for the next morning as a copy editor. And I don’t mean figuratively all night. I mean literally all night. The section chiefs and executive editor stayed up from 9:30 in the morning to 6:30 in the morning putting out the summer edition of the paper.

I can’t freaking wait.

This is what I love about small, elite groups of people—the chance to be involved with something special. Stick with me for the next bit here…I’m going to reference Glee. I don’t know if any gleeks out there remember the pilot episode, but this was the scene that made me fall in love with the series. And I think Rachel says it best when she says this. I couldn’t find the clip (so if you can hunt it down, let me know!) but here’s the dialogue.

WILL SHUESTER: You changed out of your costume.
rACHEL BERRY: I'm tired of being laughed at.
WILL: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. It comes with a price.
RACHEL: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.
WILL: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.
RACHEL: Everybody hates me.
WILL: You think glee club is going to change that?
RACHEL: Being great at something is going to change it. Being part of something special makes you special, right?

Being part of something special makes you special, right?

Right.

There is, to my knowledge, one downside. I can’t be involved in everything. The Student Activities Fair was today, and more and more I’m realizing that there will be things I will have to exclude from my schedule. I can not do everything. And, in fact, the more I try to, the more left out I’ll be. Tonight for example. Me and some 2^nd floorer’s watched Rocky Horror Picture Show in its entirety. It was an unforgettable experience. I was one of those people who was somewhat familiar with it beforehand, which meant 1) I wasn’t scarred for life this time, and 2) I got to sing and dance along to the Time Warp while everyone else in the room looked at us like we were insane. It was awesome.

Yet, while all this was going on, a small group of people on the third floor (where I live) was listening to big band, old school jazz music. And another group of girls who live on my hall were sitting next door to my empty room telling stories and eating popcorn. And I wasn’t there.

Well of course I wasn’t. I don’t have a time turner. I can’t be in two places at once. Yet still, somehow, I feel left out. The more I do, the more I want to do. The more I feel like I should be included in.

I want to be able to be happy with what I have. And if that means narrowing down my club choices to two, so be it. I want to be able to tell some of those inside jokes. Let everyone else have theirs. I got to see Rocky Horror. : )

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Speaking of Rocky Horror, now that I’ve seen the entire thing, absent the Halloween crowd, I think I finally understand what people love about this movie. And I have to say, I’ve fallen in with the crowd. It’s hilarious and charming and sad all at the same time. It’s a movie for the ages, with its simultaneous perpetuation and refutation of gender stereotypes and scornful commentary. It’s a movie for people who are different. You only have to recognize the charisma and confidence with which Dr. Frank n’ Furter sings “Sweet Transvestite” to realize that. Because even with the pitiful character he becomes, Dr. Frank n’ Furter is first and foremost the man who made that stunning entrance in women’s lingerie and 3-inch pumps. He was more comfortable in those heels and garters than I’ve seen any woman be. He was more confident and honest in his sexuality than I’ve seen many other people be. And he was a strange, but real, inspiration.

Because if you could see that charisma….

I’ve heard it before and I think it bears repeating here. Confidence is sexy.

There’s something attractive about it—not just physically, but psychologically as well. We are attracted to people who seem sure of themselves. People who refuse to make apologies, and who ask for no forgiveness. And especially, especially, people who act without the permission of other people. Because those are the people whom we know will never have to ask permission from themselves.

When we doubt ourselves, when we criticize ourselves…when we hate ourselves—we give other people power over us. We give them the power to make us think, feel, or do things that we don’t want to think, feel, or do. We give them the power to influence our decisions and our actions. We give them the power to hurt us.

Dr. Frank n’ Furter would never do that. Regardless of the (sometimes extreme) consequences, he made his own decisions. And he continued to do so, right to the very end. He owned himself, and his mind, and his body, and could do what he liked. He was his own champion.

Sometimes I think we need more of that in our lives. Sometimes I think we’re too hesitant with what we want, thinking of the consequences. Sometimes we act rashly to avoid them. You can say many things about Dr. Frank n’ Furter, but one thing is irrefutable. He never ran away from his choices. He was never afraid to accept what he was.

Sometimes we have to be our own champions.

Sometimes we have to want to fight to win. 

For Curious People:

The More Things Change, The More Things Stay The Same (And Other Cliches)

It's the little things that get you. I didn't feel homesick until I saw a picture of home. It’s not even that good of a picture. Blurry, quick, taken via smartphone. But even a quick glimpse of my couch and my cat was enough to have me near tears.

The Great College Farewell was, ultimately, an anti-climax. There were no streamers, no huge dramatic farewell scenes, no marching band (which I think my sister would agree was a grievous error--marching bands should follow people about wherever they go). There were some tears and that was it. We said goodbye. We hugged. They left.

It didn’t really feel any different. It was like turning 18, or getting my driver’s license for the first time, or graduating from high school. A single event—a minute’s worth of time—doesn’t change you. It’s life that does that.

These milestones in life—I think we try to make them into representations of the black and white world that we want. We want goodbyes to be easy and finite. We want to be able to divide our life into neat little sections during which we can summarize everything that has happened to us—all the ways in which we have changed. We want to be able to pack our entire emotional life into a single moment, because then when that moment ends, we know that we’ll be able to let our emotions and experiences go as well.

We’ll be able to move on.

Goodbyes, in fact, do not work like that. People we meet take up a space in our minds that we never get back. They live in our memories of them. And people deal with these memories in all kinds of different ways. They mourn, they forget, they deny. But regardless or how much they want to or not, they all move on eventually. Time is tricky that way.

We have to find new ways to deal with the new challenges we face. The new people we face. Here at Case, I have to take initiative to get what I want. I have to make people see me. I keep having to encourage myself to leave my dorm, to go up to someone and say hi, to ask someone out to lunch. I keep having to remind myself that making friends is an active endeavor—that hanging out with people means you have to talk to them and invite yourself to whatever they’re doing first. New challenges.

The long drive home from Cleveland........

We are driving back to NC from Case and the drive is so boring that I’ve decided to put together some thoughts to post to our family blog the next time I have internet access.  I am probably the least articulate one in our family but I’m going to give this a shot.  The Gallup Family bubble has divided.  There are now 2 bubbles: the one containing the parental unit and the other one containing the cool college kids and their new Case Western environment (to be referred to as CRU (pronounced ‘crew’) from this point forward.)  I got that slang from one of the many orientation talks that Steve and I have attended over the last 2 days (one of the most useful bits of information for that matter).  If you ask me, the girls are living in the better bubble but I am hopeful that our bubble will soar to new heights; however, only time will tell.

It has been a very exciting and exhausting week.  On Thursday, Aug. 15, 2013, we moved our girls into their new living quarters.  We moved them in 3 days prior to the rest of the first year students converging onto campus.  The early move allowed us to avoid crowds but also meant that we received ZERO help during the process.  Whilst the other first year parents just sat in their car as all of their child’s belongings were hoisted away by upperclassmen, Steve and I and the girls got to move all of their stuff in with no hand truck (insert reminder here to bring one for next year).   At this point, I seriously questioned the decision of the girls living in different buildings.  Once moved in, the pre-orientation leaders whisked our children away for 3 days while Steve and I got to play in order to keep our minds off the impending ‘Goodbye’.

We toured the pro-football hall of fame on the 16^th where I learned that the Washington Redskins used to be called the Boston braves, then the Boston Redskins before moving to Washington to become the Washington Redskins and remained so until this day.  Ironically, there is now controversy over the name ‘Redskins’ as it is derogatory to the American Indians and so, the Redskins may have to change their name once again.

On the 17^th, Steve and I biked 32 miles with the Akron Bike Club up some very exhausting hills (or small mountains in my mind).  Halfway through the ride, we stopped at Howe Meadows Farmer’s market where we had some refreshments and then continued back up to the “mountain” to the parking lot.  Since we weren’t exhausted enough, we then toured the Stan Hywet mansion and gardens.  On the way back to Stone Gables B&B, we saw Brandywine Falls, proclaimed to be one of the largest Falls in Ohio.  The Falls were anticlimactic and not worth dragging along to have a gander.  Back at the B&B, we collapsed instead of going to Little Italy’s Feast of Assumption, which was the original plan.

On the 18^th, we checked in for parent orientation at Case, went to a welcome session and then toured Cleveland  on ‘Lolley the Trolley’ tour which was somewhat interesting.  We learned about cultural gardens in Roosevelt park, a hidden cemetery in University Circle where Roosevelt is buried, and how some Ohio high school students sold the rights of Superman for $147 – bet they are a little peeved about that. We were able to spend a little bit of time with Jasmine today but Sam was still riding back from Ohiopyle State Park.  Jazz told us all about her pre-adventure including the ‘Rite of Spring’ ballet that she was very excited about. Steve and I then had dinner at Alladin’s Café in Coventry Park.

On the 19^th, we listened to some mildly interesting orientation talks about student safety, health services, and Case cash.  A parent round table discussion never happened but an administrator that has a child entering Case as a Freshmen led an impromptu discussion amongst the parents in the room.  Afterwards, we finally got to sit down with both of the girls and it felt as if the Gallup Family bubble had merged once again.  The merger did not last long as we split again for the last 2 most boring sessions of the day.  We merged again after the last session, walked the girls back to their dorms where the Gallup bubble split permanently.  The parental unit went back to the library to drink heavily and try to forget about the split and the college kid bubble moved on to exciting events such as a barbeque and a Luau. 

On the 20^th, the parental unit bubble went to the Rock and Roll Hall of fame before departing Cleveland bringing us to the boring drive that I referred to at the beginning of this tirade.  I know that the girls will be fine in their CRU bubble but want them to know that their bubble is welcome to merge with our bubble anytime!!!  I will keep you posted on where the parental unit bubble goes from here…..

Pre-Orientation: The Story of A Very Weary Freshman

You know those days that are so long that...they sort of don't feel real? Like there's no way that everything you did could have happened within a period of 12 hours. It was just too much stuff. 

Today was one of those days. 

from Playhouse Square, downtown: 

The tour of The Palace Theater was the highlight of the trip--and I know all my fellow theatre geeks out there would agree with me. It was astounding. As implied by the name, it strives to be as luxurious and as opulent as a palace. And it kind of is.

Isn't it strange how history can make something special? A guitar played by John Lennon is more valuable than a guitar played by me. Any role made famous by someone is automatically a challenge to live up too. An original copy of any famous manuscript becomes part of a larger story--the story of its inception, creation, and evolution. 

The theatre was beautiful. The artwork integrated into it was fascinating and wonderful. But what really made that theater special was its history. The Palace Theater was a vaudeville theater first. It has been host to the likes of Bob Hope, George Burns and Gracie Allen. The Three Stooges have performed there. On a side note, I must say, I love vaudeville. It's an art form like no other-- a conglomeration of freaks and outcasts, making the most of their outrageous personalities by entertaining people on stage. It was like running off to join the circus--performing became a method of escape, an avenue for talent, and a popular public form of entertainment, all at the same time. Stand up comedy is similar to vaudeville in this way. Comedy is, and remains, a relentlessly effective way of telling the truth. 

After the Palace Theater was a vaudeville stage, it was a silent movie theater--complete with a specialized piano/organ for musical accompaniment to the films. After that, it became a venue for talkies, the piano surviving as an intro form of entertainment and a part time accompanist. After that, it was a derelict old building that was going to be torn  down before a determined teacher saved it and turned it into a playhouse. What was originally scheduled to be a two week run of "Jaques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris," was so popular within it's first week that it went on to run for two and half years. 

Points to Cleveland. 
Fact of the Day: Playhouse Square is the largest theatre district west of New York City. 


from CWRU, University Circle:

We play ERS (egyptian rattlesnake screw-- no idea why it's called that)-- and toss around a football whilst kicking around a football. It's a insanely beautiful day. Not fall weather, but not summer weather either. Cleveland's picture perfect clear blue sky must be matched in intensity only by the devastatingly endless snow and rain that is winter during the months of November to April. 

We're learning about freshman tells. Their are--clearly--a lot of them. Some of them are pretty straightforward. Counterintuitive pronunciation of building names, for example. Thwing is pronounced Twing. The "h" is silent. Adelbrand is pronounced a-del-brand, like Adele the singer, with emphasis on the "del." Some others seem obvious: don't wear you key and ID card on your keychain lanyard (you know-- the one they gave you at check in for orientation?) They're all variations on the same new-kid theme though. Don't make it obvious that you don't belong here. 

It's a fun topic to think about, but in the end I can't help think that it doesn't really matter. I found myself speaking in cliches when I opened up to a senior friend of mine here about the experience of college. I find myself saying, "It's like...here you can be anyone you want to be--because no one knows who you are." 

Really, it's like you're starting over. A new school, new people, etcetera. It's strange though. I had a concept of what freshman year would be like, and this isn't it. After graduating high school, you're more yourself in your exploration of the world. I find myself taking chances more easily, speaking boldly more often, and taking confidence in my idea of myself. Being "who you are" isn't a challenge any longer--because I can be anyone. The last chapter of the book is blank. There are only my own expectations to fill. 

from Cleveland Orchestra, Blossom Music Center:
I'm on a bus. It's inelegant mode of travel for such an elegant destination. We're on our way to watch the Cleveland orchestra perform Rite of Spring, with appropriate ballet accompaniment--and I kind of feel like I've come full circle.

I've been hearing accidental references to Raleigh Charter all day, and they always hit me the same way. At first, I'm excited. There is an immediate leap of enthusiasm. The kind of enthusiasm you feel when you realize you are familiar with the topic of conversation, even when surrounded by unfamiliar company. The "I-can-talk-about-this-feeling." Confidence. Security. 

Then, a distant kind of melancholy, as I realize that I will have to struggle to explain my references. That I can't just say--"that reminds me of something I heard in Dr. B's class" and expect my fellow freshman to understand. I have to translate here. I think everyone in my group experiences the same struggle to communicate, at least initially. With uncommon backgrounds, it is difficult to be quick with your words. I can hear the pauses in the conversation, where my fellow freshman endeavor to find different ways of phrasing, or make pronouns into adjectives. 

I'm so incredibly excited that we're going to see Rite of Spring that I feel an immediate urge to tell someone who will really know WHY. Why I'm so excited. Why this entire trip seems like the missing puzzle price to me, in my experience of school, in my experience of philosophic thought, in my experience of Stravinsky. It is the completion of something.

I think I get why Sam is so attached to Band now. No matter where you go, you have a common base of experience and knowledge with other musicians. A very specific common base of experience. The girl on the trip who knows who composed Rite of Spring is a clarinetist. 

I think I'm underestimating my class. As I get to know them better, I understand that they're just as passionate, and smart, and FUN as any of the students at Raleigh Charter. I expect them to be the people I know--it's not particularly fair. This is the summer version of ourselves, after all. Classes haven't even started yet, and we still had a conversation about the morality and the effectiveness of the death penalty over lunch. These students are strong in their convictions. And then we went back to the commons and played ERS for an hour. These students are also both merciless and fearless in their jokes. 

Conversation is easy and physical presence comfortable. I think I'm gonna like it here.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship (Case Western Reserve University)

My roommate's nice, but it's no Raleigh Charter. That's the first thing that strikes me about the new school. There's really no way to compare, and yet...there kind of is. No one I've talked to yet has finished the required reading. To be fair, it's not really required--just an academic icebreaker but...they all seem to be downplaying their academic side. I love reading. I've brought with me an entire bookshelf of books. And it seems strange that no one else has.

From where I'm standing, my classmates are smart, fun and capable people. They're pretty cool. I guess I've just gotten kind of used to crazy high-achievers. I miss conversations in the hallways about Heiddegger.
I know. I never thought it would happen either.

Most of them are science majors. Biochemistry, physics. One guy I met is going to be an aerospace engineer. How do you know that about yourself at 18? The science majors outnumber the purely social science majors three to one. Still, I'm not alone! I was sitting next to a sociology major. That....counts. ;)  I've met two undecided's already. Uncertainty for the win!

I have become the "English major" to at least three science students, and I do beleive I will start a little side business where I charge people for essay editing. This is the next best business prospect ya'll. It's happenin'.

It's weird. I don't feel nervous. This doesn't even feel that unfamiliar, or new. I'm not worried about sleeping here tonight. 

It's my dorm room. All my stuff is here. I have some company, I have my music, and I have my computer. What more could a girl ask for? (In other news, text Sam, her roommate has not yet arrived, and she is playing music to fill some of the quiet). I feel like I belong here. And it's school. I can do school. I love school. I love the learning and the knowing people and the crazy club shenanigans. I feel almost overwhelmingly prepared for this. 

Sure, it might change in a couple weeks. I've never been away from home for longer than a month. I've never been away from my family for longer than 5 days. But I think I'll be okay. I'll have the lobby, where there will hopefully be movies, and social eating, and catcalling of the Daily Show (which I will steal the TV for every week). And I'll have the dorm, and Sam's dorm and the other pair of twins across the hall. And I've already met someone from the South, who misses sweet tea, and is (as I am) completely unprepared for the lake effect everything. So yeah Case, I love you. But really, couldn't you change your mascot?

The Spartans? Really?

PS: In other news, I got locked out of my dorm. First day. Locked out of my dorm. Go on, laugh. But know that there is a prize waiting for whomever out there can tell me the best joke about that really-doesn't-need-an-explicit-joke situation.

Also, Ohio is a swing state. Go Ohio!